What Should I Do with My Life? 
Sunday March 2, 2003 by Hal
This is not exactly a review of Po Bronsen’s new book but more my notes and personal reactions to the book.
My notes are in italics. Enjoy!
Hal
Introduction
We are all writing the story of our life. We want to know we have not squandered our time here.
H - I think this is one of my greatest fears. I do not want to grow old and have regrets for how I used the life God gave me. I used to think I wanted to write a book that would be remembered but now I think it will be most fulfilling to be remembered as someone who helped others.
How do I tell the difference between a curiosity and a passion?
H - Here is another obstacle for me - I have spent so much of my life doing for others that, when asked what is my passion, I must answer that I don’t know.
The biggest obstacle to answering this question … is that people don’t give themselves permission to take it seriously.
H - I think giving oneself permission to think about it and permission to actually do something are different. I think about it all the time, I don’t know if I believe I can do anything about it.
People have all sorts of psychological stumbling blocks that keep them from finding themselves. Some are deeply rooted fears and others are badly tangled misconceptions.
H - My fears have dogged me all my life. Fear of not having enough money. Fear of sickness. I’m sick of being afraid.
The fear that our passions will put us in the poorhouse.
H - That’s the one that stops most of us, I think, from pursuing passion and calling.
The fear of irreversibility, limiting future options.
H - Life is long enough to make changes but when do you become too old to make significant change?
The fear of not being on a path with a known destination.
H - That’s what I’m doing all this for - to see if there’s a better destination.
Chapter 1 An ordinary guy
Curiosity is a raw and genuine sign from deep inside our tangled psyches, and we’d do well to follow the direction it points us.
H - I’m curious about what it is I’m supposed to be doing with my life!
Rinpoche … was skilled at minimizing his anguish over everyday struggles.
H - This is a skill I need to cultivate. How much time and energy is spent worrying and fretting over things that can’t be changed? How much of what we fear never happens?
Fears hold us back form our own advancement. “Fear is like a wound in our emotions.” We can burn 70% of our emotional energy on what we fear might happen.
H - See above.
The book is to show people working through their fears and misconceptions.
H - And I too will hopefully be working through mine.
Chapter 2 Hunted by her cause
She warned me that many people use the dream-job-or-nothing goal as a way of ensuring their dreams are never challenged by reality.
H - I used to think there must be this kind of thing - now I think I can create the thing I want instead; but will I have the courage to act.
Chapter 3 Lacking an off switch
Jessica was brand-new to wondering who she was and how she fit in. It was on here mind but she wasn’t desperate yet. She was resolute that she’d figure it out. “I’m going to miss thinking I had a destiny. I’m going to miss that certainty.” I could relate. I was leaning on destiny less and less these days.
H - There may be some who have a single destiny but I think everyone has a calling of some kind. The trick is to listen and find it.
Stories of people who’ve struggled through crises and redefined themselves. I’m recognizing the power of what’s discovered the hard way.
H - Lessons learned the hard way - how to sell, how to market and promote, how to not always give myself away (or put myself first sometimes).
I promised to pay attention to this issue. How did people come to their convictions about where they belonged? Were they born with them? Did they have epiphanies? Were they deduced, rationally, through careful analysis? Did they rise from the ashes after deeply felt experiences, tragedies and losses?
H - Never had an epiphany (that I’m aware of), seem to be born to teach (and I only say that because both my dad and my brother were teachers). The only thing that has arisen from experience and tragedy is the knowledge I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing things I don’t enjoy.
Chapter 4 Dropping the watermelon
The Question is how we hold ourselves accountable to the opportunity we’re given. We live in a rich country, so rich that we’re blessed with the ultimate privilege: to be true to our individual nature.
H - We may be able to be true to our individual nature but do we? Or do we live in fear and “oughts” and “shoulds”?
Marcela was too practical, too businesslike, to do anything rash.
H - Me too. How can I make a change when I’ve got bills and a family to feed, etc.
But she was afraid. She’d always provided for herself. Financial stability was her baseline.
H - See above.
Marcela acknowledged this pain in her gut and this terrible dread that possessed her. She wasn’t going to grant her fears that kind of power over her.
H - I’m working on this one. An example of this is a call from a company for a job recently - I had a great phone interview, so good that I got called later that day to fly to Cincinnati the next day. My fear caused me to think too long and the opportunity passed me by.
Most people need the context of a company and an industry and a title and a salary level and regular performance reviews to provide a measure of self-worth. How does one forgo that, and dare to go alone?
H - I also need some of that, though I’ve got the skills/techniques to make myself look like a bigger company. I think the salary is the biggest piece of that fear.
How are you a different person today from what you would have been, were it not for this experience?
H - I have used my pain in selling to add to my resolve to change. If I hadn’t experienced these pains I might be happier; I might be shallower.
Chapter 6 Parasite Entrepreneurism
We all have passions if we choose to see them. But we have to look backward even more than forward, and we have to chase away our preconceptions of what we think our passion is supposed to be, or not supposed to be.
H - Again, I don’t think I’ve got a preconception, even looking backwards I don’t see a clear path backwards that might lead me forward.
Chapter 7 Have you looked under the bed?
Noah would happily work sixteen-hour days if he only knew what it was he should be doing.
H - Amen!
“You know, some people struggle with this question, and some people don’t. Look for help from people who relate.”
H - This is important because I am struggling. I want to interact with others who are searching; I want to help them as they search.
“When should I give up? Giving up means admitting there is no answer for me. Not everybody gets a passion.”
H - Giving up is not an option. Life is precious; too precious to just get by.
I think if you’re really struggling to find it it’s almost certainly for a reason. People who don’t have passions don’t struggle.
H - I struggle therefore I have passions? Then what are they?
Are the years before you find your passion a waste? Sounds like you spent a lot of time learning a lot about promotion and marketing. Maybe someday you’ll need to promote what you really believe in.
H - I do believe all that I have learned about sales and marketing can help me in any calling I may finally find.
Chapter 8 The brain candy generation
Can you think your way to the answer?
H - Um, that’s what I’m doing, I think …
Before you can label it your calling, it has to take on personal significance and be woven into the story of your life.
H - See, here is where I have a problem. Since I’m not sure what the call is, how can it take on personal significance for me?
But there’s a difference between something that stimulates you for a year and something you can be passionate about for ten years. What is that difference? It is not that “it” is ten times more stimulating than something else.
H - (sigh) I am always interested in different things. As soon as I learn one thing really well, sometimes it becomes less interesting.
The best I can do is to raise our awareness of the process by which some people have struggled with the choice and figured out their life.
H - So therein lies the purpose in putting together a workshop.
So the relevant question is not what you will do, but who you will become.
H - Aren’t I already who I will become? I realize it will change but how much?
So if the people who’ve found their place don’t talk about how exciting and challenging and stimulating their work is, then what do they talk about? Their language invoked meaningful/significant/fulfilling. And they rarely ever talk about their work without interweaving some of their personal history.
H - Still looking …
Chapter 11 The umbrella of Freedom
How are we to handle the privilege of being able to author our own life? What is freedom for, if not the chance to define for yourself who you are?
H - Someone help me define myself!
Chapter 12 A college man
It’s a shame if people neglect what they can become.
Creative visualization. That’s what Stephen calls it because he doesn’t know what to call it. They were really friends who felt save with each other in talking about their dreams. The right kind of friends.
H - But how often to we find those kind of friends? That’s why I think a workshop environment would help. And beyond that a set of ongoing tools that enable us to keep working together on our question.
Chapter 15 On planet hug
A lot of it was, her whole life she had defined herself by what she did. She had to find a new way to define herself.
H - Already commented on.
Chapter 17 Learning Delta Pride
A lot of possibilities sound interesting but you wonder if they’re resume killers. Her course was called “Odyssey”, and it was mostly attended by business people looking for the next thing in life. Write his autobiography and then helped him expand on it, write more and more into it, picking out themes, adding layers.
H - Again, a workshop, an ongoing means of working together, a means of entering and exiting the process, support and encouragement from others.
Final words of Raymond Carver:
And did you get what You wanted from this life even so? I did.
H - I will with help.
Chapter 19 The crossroads of Temptation
How many times do you really face a choice in life? How many times will you get the benefit of arriving at a crossroads, where you don’t have to fight the tug of rolling inertia, and your choice isn’t going to hurt someone you love? Make them count. They will define you.
H - I’m still waiting for the inertia to stop.
Chapter 20 The lockbox fantasy
I’ve seen lots of people get rich. It takes twice as long as anyone plans for. It’s more work than anyone expects. It requires more sacrifices, more changes - you don’t come away from that the same person who went in.
H - Okay, so I don’t want to get rich anymore - but I don’t want to get rich any less either. Kidding aside, I would like to have enough to have the freedom to do some things I would enjoy.
Chapter 21 The green eyeshade
The right question is not What’s the Crap Factor? The right question is, how can I find something that moves my heart, so that the inevitable crap storm is bearable?
H - This doesn’t necessarily have to be work; but I’ve never been too good with hobbies either.
The bright, the talented, the intelligent, the resourceful, and the creative - far too many of whom are operating at quarter-speed, unsure of their place in the world, contributing far too little to the productive engine of modern civilization, still feeling like observers, all feeling like they haven’t come close to living up to their potential.
H - I think I’m seeing some themes here. Potential unrealized.
Chapter 23 A tactile Jones
When it comes down to it, and all the reasons you can’t accomplish your dreams have fallen away, the final stumbling block is within.
H - I think I agree with this. Inertia, laziness, habit, fear - all these are within.
Chapter 25 Guidance, Navigation, and Control
Extractable lesson #1 - Time frame - his hopes are not pinned to a single turning point. Extractable lesson #2 - Don’t let minor setbacks get in your way. Extractable lesson #3 - Russell leads a balanced life.
H - This needs work too. My only pastime is exercise.
Chapter 27 The Phi Beta Slacker Dances for herself
Mostly, she stopped expecting herself to uncover her passion by applying herself really hard to the search. “I found out it’s not something one can force.”
H - It can’t be forced but can it be made clear, uncovered, brought to light?
Chapter 28 The Change Junkie kicks her habit
Constant reinvention. Why not? Why does there have to be an ultimate destination. What’s wrong with being permanently restless? “Life is a great opportunity to try out all the things I’m interested in.”
H - I used to think this but I realize that I don’t want to try EVERYTHING. I want some clarity on how I can best enjoy my life and time.
The world was too interesting to bother limiting myself by making an arbitrary choice.
Sometimes I think I’m one of those people who will find a reason to be dissatisfied under any circumstances.
H - This relates to the “things within” point above. “We have met the enemy and he is us.”
“What’s it like to find your thing?” “You stop getting bored.”
H - This is like the “capstone” of my desire. I just want to enjoy life and feel some satisfaction.
It still feels like work, it’s hard, but Monday’s never come too soon. It seems like their purpose - for now.
H - I cannot remember when I didn’t fear or regret Monday coming.
For the next few months and beyond, she devoted herself to learning to be happy and sit still and chase away those voices. She believed she’d never really given any of her jobs a fair chance. She’d always run at the first hint of boredom. Maybe she was getting bored because she didn’t bother to truly engage in the work. She challenged herself to be truly involved in what she was doing now, and to look for ways to improve her work situation rather than chuck it. She wasn’t giving up on figuring out what to do with her life, but she needed to learn those skills first.
H - I’ve learned that the “perfect job” doesn’t exist. There will always be problems; but satisfaction and fulfillment can mean all the difference.
Chapter 29 When the coin lands tails
I didn’t appreciate people who use the mantra “I’m getting to know myself” as an excuse to sit by the pool all summer. When I left him, I was still wondering, Is it self-indulgent? Or is it necessary for some people? Can “getting to know yourself” really help you figure out what you want to do with your life?
H - I’ve done this to exhaustion and it helps some but not enough.
He (Po’s dad) saved himself by using his afternoons to do something his heart told him to do.
H - What? What is this thing for me?
He had the awareness to recognize where he was most productive. And now in his retirement he’s found in himself a sweetness and thoughtfulness that he never expected.
H - It’s not just awareness is it?
Chapter 32 The toner queen unmasks herself
I discovered an incredibly deep woman who was well aware of her weaknesses and behavior patterns, but who was suffocating inside a persona she had created for herself. The urge to be a motivational speaker was the urge to be herself in front of others.
H - I’ve wanted to be a motivational speaker as well and I do feel I’m myself in front of a group.
I cautioned her not to attempt this new career if she only thought success at it would make her happy. Wouldn’t even failing at it still be good for her? “I’ve been all over the country,” I said. “And what I’ve found is that if you succeed at something in which you’re honest to yourself and in line with your values, and not wearing a mask to the world, then that does seem to make people happy. When you succeed and you’re still unhappy it usually because you’re conflicted about what you’ve presented about yourself to the world.”
Chapter 33 The once angry minister
What are we to do with this enhanced story of ourselves? Can what-we-do really be in alignment that deeply with who-we-are? I think it can, if we let “I’m going to be truer to myself” be the principle that drives our decision every time we come to a crossroads.
H - But what about bills? Groceries?
John’s been narrowing in on this his whole adult life.
H - I’m narrowing too but I’m ready to get to some destination in mind.
He’d asked them to write down their limiting beliefs - essentially, their opinions of themselves, seen not as identity statements but as self-constraints.
H - Again, laziness, fear, inertia, lack of focus.
Our fears should be attacked, not run from. From our deepest wounds come our greatest gifts. Most of us can trace our problems back to two or three limiting beliefs.
H - I’m working on this one too. When an opportunity presents itself, I am going to really focus on not allowing fear to stop me. The more I think about this, the more I think we shouldn’t have any fears - I don’t mean NO fears but we should be able to overcome fears of failure and other things that limit us.
I’d like to suggest an alternative “success” story - one where, with each next, the protagonist is closer to finding the spot where he’s no longer held back by his heart, and he explodes with talent, and his character blossoms, and the gift he has to offer the world is apparent.
H - Okay, let me at it!
Chapter 34 Ambition in Neutral
New Orleans succeeded in idling down their ambition, and helped them enjoy life.
H - I realize that sometimes I’m “all or nothing”. I think in the past I’ve tried to find the “perfect life”. Now I’d really just like to find a balanced life.
What would it mean to fail at the thing you really want to do?
H - Failure is as natural as success I’m thinking. It’s how you face life as a whole that matters.
Chapter 35 Nobody Taught Me
The benefit of being with like-minded people
H - This one, more and more, becomes important to me. As I was in a training class in Leesburg, VA, recently, I was struck at how the most enjoyable time was some of the challenging discussion that went on. I want to choose to surround myself with others that, like me, want to move forward in their lives.
The hardest thing was not learning to write; the hardest thing was to never give up.
H - But I’ve also learned that you can set things down for a while and come back to them. You don’t fail just because you take a break from something.
I would have to take the leap without my community. What would I do all day? Who would I talk to? I was accustomed to waking up every morning and going to the office.
H - I’m facing this as I will soon become “virtual”. It will become important to stay connected with friends.
Luckily, the three rooms were finally taken by a filmmaker, a monologist, and a struggling freelancer who had written a couple of pieces for a British daily.
H - This is an idea that “resonates” with me. I would like to have a group of independent individuals who work in close proximity.
The beauty of the Grotto is, when I have a bad day, at least I went to the office.
H - I think of Michael Keton in “Mr. Mom”. As time went on he sort of came apart as an individual.
Our daily life was structured by the routine of work. I didn’t want to become a writer so that I could escape from work, to not work, or to get rich on royalties so I’d never have to work. I wanted to work.
H - I want to work but I want work to be enjoyable and satisfying
We got up and then just let the benefit of being around each other rub off.
H - Wow! Imaging the synergism available from creative people you like being there when you need to ask them something!
Nobody taught us these things; they were doing them and that made it seem possible. We created an environment where taking creative risks was okay.
H - I’m ready - where do I sign up?
Her community there has helped here just as our community had helped all of us. I’m not saying the community is everything, but it makes success possible.
For six years the Grotto was powered by the initiation energy we continuously supplied it; not it rolls onward with it’s own momentum.
I’ve learned that without structure, I become unstable and self-destructive fairly quickly.
H - Again, my concen about being virtual. I want a place to go and people to work with. I simply want to choose the people and the work!
The Grotto verges on being a self-created utopia, a huge loophole in the work/play continuum, and sometimes I wonder if I’m allowing myself to live in a dangerous fantasy. But the structure and routine it provides keep me sane.
Inevitably, getting into an environment of like-minded people means you have to ditch your old support system, family or friends or coworkers.
H - I don’t see why - I guess I’m still unclear on this one.
Chapter 37 Uncomfortable is good
Your life has a momentum. Traveling can take you away from all those influences, quiet their din, and allow you a kind of silence to consider who you are as an independent entity.
H - I am in Leesburg this weekend and it is very, very quiet. I am in a third floor break area, it’s snowing outside and the silence is indeed different to me.
Chapter 41 H = P>J
Do not wait for the kind of clarity that comes with epiphanies. Most people had a slim notion or a slight urge that they slowly nurtured until it grew into a faint hope which barely stayed alive for years until it could mature into a vision.
H - I’m willing to work - I’m ready to work. That’s why I’m designing a wsidwml kind of workshop or group.
Don’t doubt your desire because it comes to you in a whisper; don’t think, “If it were really important to me, I’d feel clearer about this, less conflicted.”
The things we really want to do are usually the ones that scare us the most.
H - I want to be out on my own, in a “grotto-like” environment, working with creative, challenging people. Not challenging in the “difficult” sense but in the “you challenge me to be better” sense. Again, being here in Leesburg gives me a sense of this. The information I’m having to learn is tough but I enjoy the colliegial atmosphere with a facility designed for teaching and learning.
The higher standard is to ask, Is doing why I am here? Will be meaningful to me? Is _ what I want to contribute to the world?
Chapter 43 Where fears hide
Often our crutch … is whatever we have relied on too heavily along the way. Whatever we secretly fear we could never succeed without.
H - I’ve been in sales over 13 years. It is totally opposite of my natural temperament. But it has brought in the funds to pay the bills and feed my family so I’ve continued.
Chapter 48 The Mechanic gives 100 percent
I enjoy this job, but I’ll be the first to admit it’s not like what you do. It’s not my passion. I’m doing this for the wages, and I’m doing this because it doesn’t eat me alive.
H - I could do a job where the “crap factor” didn’t eat me alive if I had something fulfilling outside the job.
I wouldn’t appreciate what I do now if I hadn’t spent so much time in an office.
Chapter 52 Twenty thousand lives a year
Business is a tool to support what you believe.
H - There are probably more cashflow oppotunities out there then you can shake a stick at.
Chapter 53 Magic powers
Patience, long-term planning, resilience. That when you embrace your true identity, you will discover a productive power you never imagined having.
Chapter 54 Closing remarks
Usually, all we get is a glimmer. A story we read or someone we briefly met. A curiosity. A meek voice inside, whispering. The rewards of pursuing it are only for those who are willing to listen attentively, only for those people who really care.
I respect that we have to be practical in our approach, and we have to live up to our responsibilities. But it’s not impractical or vain. The reason is, people who love what they do are much more productive than those who are doing it for the paycheck. If we can find work we care about, our productivity will explode. Our value will increase radically.
H - Okay, I’m a time bomb waiting to explode!
What do people really want? They want to find work they’re passionate about. We need to encourage people to find their sweet spot. Productivity explodes when people love what they do.
H - And everyone said, “amen!”