Monday December 1, 2003 by Hal → Weblog
I’m using some of my coaching emails to continue to explain some of the differences between temperaments.
A wife wrote: My husband is a phlegmel (in other words, a strong Phlegmatic with a Melancholy secondary), and I am a sangchol (or a Sanguine with a Choleric secondary). How can I best relate to my husband without shutting him down, or trampling on he feelings?
Thanx for your input!
I answered:
As a Sanguine Choleric you are an outgoing, warm “driver”. Driver in the sense that you want to move forward and push ahead towards your goals and ambitions. Your Sanguine primary gives you an “edge” in that the warmth and outgoing part of your nature keeps you from seeming overbearing as you move towards the things you want.
As a Phlematic Melancholy, your husband is more likely to be an “inner” person - laid back, easy going, but not the outgoing person you are. Phlegmatics feel threatened by the more outgoing temperament types. Here are some suggestions:
First, realize that you are NOT going to change his underlying type and he is NOT going to change yours. As a Phlegmatic myself, married to a Sanguine, I have to find time to “retreat and recharge” from her energetic and outgoing nature. She has come to realize that the things she values in me (stability, ability to “take” her moods, etc) are not necessarily what she needs in interpersonal relationships. To that end, she is more open to visit with friends, co-workers, and family to meet her need for socialibility.
That doesn’t let me (or your husband) off the hook - to get more “out of him” he HAS to feel that you are a SAFE person to be around; safe in terms of allowing him to feel his own feelings and express them in his own way. If you are impatient (as a SangChol) can easily be - he will feel it’s not okay to be himself.
I could go on - but I’d better leave it here. Let me know if you have additional questions.
Hal
Wednesday November 26, 2003 by Hal → Weblog
I am a part time life coach (though I don’t really like the term; I use it to differentiate myself from a soccer or basketball coach). So from time to time I thought I’d share some of the emails I get mostly from my “other” website — I’m Gonna Keep on Looking — where I “store” my written work.
Here goes — question: HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO CHANGE ONE’S SELF IMAGE AND DO YOU HAVE ANY USEFUL TIPS FOR IT?
Answer: Self image is composed of your own inner picture of yourself. That picture is made up of your own “self talk” and what family and friends think of you.
It will take you as long to change your self image as it takes to change your inner “self talk” and believe it. Tips: do something challenging that you wouldn’t normally think of as “you”. Go hiking or white water rafting or audition for a play - anything that challenges you to see yourself differently. If you have family and friends who “put you down” then put some emotional distance between yourself and them.
Let me know how it goes.
Hal
Thursday November 20, 2003 by Hal → Weblog
And I guess it’s been there all the time! (What the heck is he talking about? I don’t know — he’s kind of strange; he must be introverted.).
I’ve been a backyard astronomy buff for a long time and a few years back I got a wonderful pair of binoculars with image stabilizers. I’ve looked at stars and planets and the moon.
Then I came across an article online telling how to find M31; the Andromeda galaxy. Andromeda is our neighbor and is heading straight for us at 65,000 meters per hour and will get here in several hundred million years then BANG (just kidding).
For many nights I hunted using the directions I’d found (2nd star to the right and straight ahead till morning — wait, wrong directions.) Then, after many false starts and cloudy nights, there it was — a faint smudge of light about the size of a capital “O”. Light that left Andromeda 200 million years ago lightly struck my retina.
I was awestruck — the human mind cannot grasp these sizes and distances; and the worst (best?) thing is that this smudge of light representing 100 Billion stars is still only a tiny, tiny, tiny part of the known universe.
Okay, I’m exhausted and done now. If you’d like to see a picture taken by the big ‘scopes you can go here — I’ll use my imagination.
Monday November 10, 2003 by Hal → Weblog
The first time I saw this animation in book form, it had a profound effect on me. The size and scope of the universe — from macrocosmic to subatomic is inherently incomprehensible even to an introvert’s imagination.
One clear winter night I was returning home from a meeting and pulled off to stretch the kinks out. I chose to pull off at Enid Lake Dam. Driving out on the dam, it was cold and very, very dark.
When I got out and looked up I was awe-struck. With no light pollution the sky was full of all different colors and sizes. The Milky Way stretched like a river through the sky.
The amazing thing is that, according to my reading, on such a night you see only about 2,700 stars. The Milky Way contains 100,000 million stars. And according to this article, the total number of stars in the universe is 70 Sextillion stars (70,000 million, million, million).
This mind numbing information has led to a coupe of articles over at my other site — I’m gonna keep on lookin’ — here and here.
Sunday October 19, 2003 by Hal → Weblog
Today was one of those golden days - autumn but still warm, skies clear and blue, air still - almost magical.
As I sat outside drinking all this in, for some reason I realized how much the expectations of others inhibit us. When defining Self Concept, I often list the forces that shape how we feel about ourselves.
These can include the input of parents, friends, family, teachers, mentors - the list goes on and on. But I realized that even when these people are not physically around, their voices can echo in our heads.
When was the last time you were free of the inner dialog of others? How much of our behavior is constrained by the expectations (spoken, unspoken, past, present, future, known and unknown) of others speaking in our heads.
We live together in the world and are influenced by others - but somehow, sometime it is necessary to be free of the thoughts of others; to better know our true selves.
Wednesday October 15, 2003 by Hal → Weblog
I’ve often had to explain the difference between temperament and personality - at least from my point of view and experience.
Your temperament is that basic set of behaviors and ways of thinking you were born with. This is the entire premise behind the Meyers-Briggs and DiSC tests. This will indicate whether you are outgoing or introverted, prone to anger or criticism or anxiety, and it cannot be changed.
It can, however, be modified. Personality is the temperament modified by life. Your personality is the sum total of your experiences on top of your temperament.
You can find a couple of pretty good free temperment tests here and here. My indepth article on temperament is on my other blog - I’m Gonna Keep on Lookin’ - here.
